Charcoal is eeeeeeeeew

Been to the hospital last night and it's all my mother's fault for a) giving birth to me, b) raising me in an environment that could only break me and c) giving the that annoying shit on the phone:
"How can people like you when you don't like yourself?"
Yeah right. That statement is incorrect. It must be:
"How can I like myself when everybody constantly reminds me that the world hates me?"

So her stupid talk pissed me off, I wrecked a few things, everythings full of broken glass here, and I got pissed off and took 1200 mg Phenobarbital with half a bottle of 18% Pisang. I was like "That's what you get for reminding me of how bad my life is". But unfortunately I rememberd I hadn't yet sent instructions for taking care of my pets to my non-existant person of trust so I called an ambulance. How embarrassing, all because of my mother and the life she put me through, I had to call for help. It was so humiliating, they had their siren on. The guy in the back who talked to me was cute though. Not the smartest but cute. But them those barbiturates work slowly. By the time I became a LITTLE dizzy, they were already making me drink "activated charcoal". A black, thick "beverage" that works like a magnet to all sorts of toxins.
I was a green patient so there was no urgency in treating me. Which meant hours of waiting, connected to a fuse and some monitor. unable to reach for my backpack and my books. I had Wetlands by Charlotte Roche with me, about a girl in hospital who's had her anus operated on. I had my backpack with me because I was assuming I had to stay for the night. And I was able to pack it because those fucking Phenobarbital things don't work as fast as they should. Do you think I'd call an ambulance to my doorstep? No, I walked a few hundred meters to meet them at a bus stop. I don't want neighbours peeping.

I had a dream about my school friends inviting my other friend Cathy to a party of their film workshop group. She told me about it and turns out, I wasn't invited. That was when I woke up. It's so typical. Just leave Ugly out of things, she'll ruin the fun and all group pics with her ugliness. Yeah, just leave me out.

I'm so annoyed at everyone saying "You're not ugly, the reason why you got no boyfriend is your character/because you don't love yourself". Bullshit. There's nothing wrong with my character, at least I don't show it. Not until recently but I have NEVER had a boyfriend, and will never have. And that's not because of my character. I have a great sense of humor, I'm intelligent above average, I'm devoted and helpful, I'm loving, I'm loyal, there's nothing wrong. It has to be my monstrous looks, what the fuck else? I wish people could stop with those lies. It IS my looks, I AM the ugliest piece of inferior shit in every class I go to.
And the doctor said that beautiful girls, too have issues. I don't think so. I see nothing wrong with the pretty girls in my class. They are slim, they have boyfriends, they are photogenic. What more does one need?

And my so-called best friend who said he would be there for me? Fuck him. I'd love to kill myself in front of his eyes just to enjoy the face he'd make. I mean, he said he'd prefer me crying in his shoulder rather than me posting weird messages on Facebook. So why was I left all alone and ignored Wednesday night when I was feeling scared and suicidal and when I carved things into my arm? Even days later he wouldn't bother even sending a text message. That's the kind of friend he is. As long as I'm being convenient we're good. If it were the other way around, I'd be there for him. But no, nobody's ever there for the ugly bitch with the fat cellulite ass, the masculine body hair, the bad teeth, the eye rings, the old wrinkly hands and the strong chin. Ugly people don't get affection. Especially not when they're about to kill themselves, because that's what everyone wants to happen. Or at least, that's what my so-called friends' behavior hints me. I want to get away from him, have him erased from my memory. He's nice, sweet, lovable, nothing wrong except that he drops me when I become "heavy". I don't want friends who only appreciate me when I'm being convenient, I need people who are there for me when I'm sitting in a corner scared of myself because those pills and razor blades are only 2 steps away. If I'm too much for him, why won't he say so and let me move on and find a new/better friend? Why does he keep my around at all? I don't want to be kept around by people who only love me when my mood is nice.

While I was waiting for the ambulance, while I was sitting at the hospital and while I had a taxi drive me home for vast amounts of money, the only thought running through my head was: I should have taken all 100 pills, emptied the whole bottle of alcohol, slit my wrists, go out into the cold dark night where nobody finds me and die for real. Still thinking that. I mean who'd miss the ugly shit?