January 27th 2009

I don't get it. Why do healthy young women sit on their lazy asses and beg for the working man's money? Even if illegal, there's something everyone should be able to offer in exchange for money or else the money is undeserved. It's just wrong. I had a "heated" argument about this with Jon who thought I was wrong and that not everyone can find work and because some beggars are just stupid but puh-lease, you don't need brains in order to paint or to shine shoes!! I just hate it when people ask strangers for money without offering shit in return. And being a hooker ain't so bad, I'm giving the customer pleasure in return for his money so I believe I'm being a decent person. Sitting on my lazy ass with my hand open, that's a thought that disgusts me to no end.
And I shoulda walked him to the central station, now I'm sitting here at the Proximus store, bored and alone waiting for my turn.
14:45 pm some chick is gonna interview or cast me or something, for a TV "documentary". A hooker who's looking for a different job lol like I'd ever let go of my current job. I earn hundreds of euros a day. Cashier, clerk, cleaning lady - beggars earn more! I'd rather die. Dying is still an option anyways. My life still sucks and now I can't even call that psychiatric help thingy because Proximus turned off my phone for unpaid bills. I paid last week for chrissake!!! I NEED to make that call, my life literally depends on it. Without therapy and pills I won't live much longer. I mean I just saw my reflection and I'm so fucking ugly, something needs to change. I have the face of an alcoholic. I don't drink but I'm still ugly as hell. I mean, why else does no decent guy want me? The scum that pays me doesn't count, they just suck. They just want to fuck some easy-looking chicks and fat girls are easy for fear of rejection. And niggers and Arabs have bad taste anyway, they LIKE fat. Yuck. All I want is a full-blow anorexia. But no, I got borderline instead. Anorexia would solve my problems, borderline just makes them worse.

I still wanna die, less because of suffering but b ecause it's so damn easy. All problems, gone with the swallowing of a few Phenobarbitals with some Martini. I mean it’s not fucking fair. I was thinking about that while on the subway to school this morning. People effortlessly get everything they think is natural, like good grades, being able to study, lose weight, get a guy, only I don’t get shit from life, not even the ability to try. It’s not fair and I don’t see why I should be putting up with this unfair shit. You want to keep me around, you help me solve my problems, it’s that fucking easy.
Oh speaking of problems, I’m getting my HIV test back on Thursday and AGAIN those motherfucking retards will tell me to see their psychologist.
a) I am not going to talk with anyone in FRENCH unless it has direct benefit for me. Immediate, tangible benefit.
b) I am not going to waste time on things that may get things off my chest but won’t solve shit. Does talking burn fat? Does talking make me younger? Does talking change my grades? Does talking cure AIDS? I don’t think so, so leave me the fuck alone.
c) I don’t need a free-of-charge aka incompetent psychologist. I need a psychiatrist because a psychiatrist can prescribe me happy pills. I don’t need talking to strangers, I need drugs. When I need someone to talk to, I’ll talk to people who I care about enough to want them to understand me. Why care about what some doctor thinks? I won’t deal with them in everyday life anyways. “Hi, I’m Anna and I wanna die, kthx bye”. Come on…
For making the mere – obnoxious, repetitive – suggestion for me to go see that shrink, I’d love to see them die but then who’s gonna make those free-of-charge STD tests? Ok, testing for all STD’s (gonnorrhea, HIV, syphillis, herpes, hepatitis) you pay €12.90 but the HIV test alone is free. But this time they offered to pay and insisted on it, too. I hate them for that. I’m not some poor little girl that can’t spare 13 euros for health. I wanted to pay but they wouldn’t let me. I don’t want pity or charity when it’s about money. I hate that, it makes me feel so pathetic. I work hard, and although the job tends to suck, I work with pride. Because I work. I WORK and I sweat for my money and I want to put it to use. I don’t feel shame about my work. I feel shame about receiving inappropriate charity. I’m capable of working for my own money, so I fucking do. What do I work for when others pay in my place? What do I let those 50-year-old Arab fuckers fuck me for? I can’t take care of my BPD on my own and I can’t take care of the problems BPD has caused and keeps causing, I already need help with that (weight, debt, studies, health,..). So at least let me feel capable of paying my own bills wherever I can… It’s a ridiculous 13 euros we’re talking about!

I can't believe I told Jon my darkest secret. I can believe even less that he doesn't seem to hate or avoid me after that. I mean, what I did made me feel like I deserved to die for a long time. But maybe he's as insensitive as he acts. I know a few people who'd cancel my human rights for what I did. But Jon just goes "Aha". Kinda weird but kinda calming too. I wonder what his limits are but curiosity killed the cat so I won’t test it. Not on purpose anyway. But who knows where the borderline carries me next. I’m quite stable but I can’t trust it. I just finished reading Anthony Walker’s “The Courtship Dance of the Borderline”. I’m so glad I have no boyfriend, although I’d love to have one. I need affection, sue me. But I’d just hurt and destroy him with my sickness. “Why do you need to go to work? Why go see your parents? Are you that disgusted of being with me? You promised to never leave me!”. Extreme, but typical borderline talk. I did this to my mother so often and I feel horrible about it. I wouldn’t want to put another loved one through the same shit. Another good reason to kill myself. Not to hurt and annoy others anymore.

Actually Jon kind of really frustrated me today. I can’t say he “pissed me off” because that’s like, not the word here. He wasn’t being bad, I just hated his choice of who to side with. Like, when I arrived at school today, it seemed that there was a workshop that I didn’t know of. So I asked the teacher if I had to participate today. Instead of answering my yes/no question, he hit below the belt yelling at me that he isn’t here for solving my personal problems. WTF? I was only asking if or when it was my turn and when that had been announced. And the proof he tried to show me was non-existant. Hm, weird.
So anyways, Jon acted like I was overreacting. So what if I kicked the fence, a garbage bag and a trolley, I was fucking yelled at for no reason! So Jon concluded that that teacher is only human and has his flaws, and I don’t say he’s wrong. What’s fucking wrong is that Jon seems to accept that guy’s flaws and human-ness, but not mine! I’m only human, too so if Mr V. yells at me for no reason, that’s forgivable, but when I feel hurt about it, Jon says I’m being unfair? WTF? He still seems to think that I’m that tough macho woman who’s always wrong because she’s just a bit weird anyways, so he won’t take me seriously. I thought I’d prooved him wrong about that, but no. Do I need to suffer a nervous breakdown or worse, cry in front of him or other friends who’ve known me as strong, before some of them people realize that, I too, am merely human and absolutely hurtable? I was being polite, just asked a question, and that guy yelled at me and even told me I was stealing his time! HE was the one going on and on and on about things HE brought up and which were totally out of line, out of context, out of topic. He is a good teacher, no doubt about that, but he was still being fucking unfair and mean but Jon only sees my reaction and thinks I deserved it. It’s not that because I’m weird and V. is a good teacher, that he’s automatically right and I, wrong.

So anyways, seems like I can forget about school. Jon asked me what I was gonna do if I had to quit school. I honestly don’t know what to do with my life if that happens. The only future I’ve been seeing was studying at Rits. Problem is, the day I’ll know for sure that I’ll have to leave, it’ll be September. Not cold enough to freeze to death after a coma-inducing dose of sleeping pills. I can’t swallow 180 pills at a time though. I need the freezing cold to finish the job. I’d know where to do it, everyone who truly cares about (knowing) me does. I mean, it’s obvious. And no, it’s not Tel Aviv or Tokyo.