Oh fuck you all

Too bad. Disappointing not to have got that very damn good reason to rid myself of my life. I mean, who'd want to live with HIV? They told me there're many happy HIV-positive couples with children. Yeah right, how disgusting, pathetic and ridiculous is it to use a condom with your beloved? Love is sharing everything without boundaries, spontaneously. But what lover would I ever have, anyway? I mean, who'd want an ugly piece of garbage like me who's so ugly no man would ever want me? And even if I were beautiful, I would not want "love" with a wall aka condom between me and my man. Condoms are for one-night-stands and prostitution but a total love killer otherwise. I mean, some men go soft when I try to put it on, what if my partner would, too? No sex at all then? If I really loved someone I'd fuck him even if he'd give me AIDS. Love is about being together and if being together leads to dying together, so be it.
And oh yeah, I was told my teeth aren't that disgusting. Yeah right, they're so gross I cannot ever laugh or smile. I have to shave my face twice a day and I'm not ugly? Yeah right. If I'm not as ugly as I think I am, how come I'm a) not photogenic, b) not an actress in Hollywood and c) forever unloved and undesired? How come I only fuck 15 men per shift and my slim colleagues do 25?

These are things I talked about today with that free-of-charge psychologist moron the STD center offers. They bothered me to talk to her and I did, so they'd finally stop nagging. But I knew talking to some stranger won't change shit and I was right. Look, I'm still ugly! And what's more, talking to her made everything worse because talking about my problems rubs them into my face and all I've been doing since 17:20 is cry because they made me talk to that bitch and remind me how urgent and importand and inevitable it is that I be dead.

They called my test results good news. I was hoping so hard for a final push. Well fuck you, I'll just fuck without a condom now, I will get it eventually.

Just thought of a way to down my 100 Phenobarbital 100mg at once despite my modified stomach. Crush them and mix them into a big bowl of tiramisu :D I can down that. I'm wondering though, should I get 100 more? I heard you need at least a 150 to be sure to die. But I was gonna do it this weekend and the dealer is in Hungary so I'd first need to order, pay and wait for my order to arrive. Damnit. Or just take those 100 I've got with some strong alcohol and slit my wrists and freeze to death all at the same time, that should work.

And thanks to my other teacher for telling me I got 0/20 on Lighting, made me lose hope for good what concerns school. Thanks for convincing me that I don't need to wait till September exams. Cause that'd be a problem. I can't freeze to death in summer, dying would be so much more difficult then.