Old people should move outta the fucking way

January 28th, for real this time. Me and dates...

So my teacher seemed to love my short film. He was laughing and grinning all the time explaining the flaws and good points.
Tomorrow I'll be getting the result of my 2nd HIV test. If they turn out positive, I'll just kill myself. I'm done here. Done with the world which is done with me. I'll be kicked out of school and never see my friends again, loose my only real interest/time killer/ambition and my last remaining reason to get up in the morning. So I might as well stay asleep forever. And even if I stay at that school which I doubt, I'll never see my best friend again. He'll change schools, byebye, been nice knowing ya. I mean, out of sight, out of mind. People never bother staying in touch with someone as worthless and ugly as me. So when I can't meet my friends at school, I can't meet them at all. Not that I don't wanna, I just know from experience that people are glad to have a good reason to not have me around and they'd certainly never invite me.

I should just die anyways. Just now something happened that mustn't happen. I couldn't stop tears from going down my face, in public. I lost face anyways now. Like, everytime my life is okay (never good) something happens to tear it all to bits. I just can't stand the mere thought of losing my best friend. I know he ain't my babysitter and I don't want to put the burden that is my life, on his shoulders but it's a sad fact that right now, the straw I'm clinging to has his face. I'd probably do him a favor if I died. And I really should. He's always been good to me though really frustrating ever so often but when he's around I feel like life is great. But as soon as he's out of sight the sky breaks down on me and all I want is die. It's not fair, of me. He's just a 20-year-old kid and I should be dealing with my problems on my own but I can't. I just fucking can't handle my fucked-up self without him around. Not in love with him anymore, but I still love him as a person and a friend. And that's what makes me so unhealthy for him. I wish I could ever mean even half as much to anyone as he means to me. Not to my mum, her motherly love is programmed by nature, doesn't really count.

Not gonna see my friends till Monday. I feel like I'm not gonna survive those 4 days, especially not after I get the results of my HIV test. My village now has busses on Sunday. I have time till Sunday to finish my testament and remove my disgusting self from this earth. Wait till I get the results, then die. I hope they'll be positive so I finally have no reason left to chicken out or change my life. Lol this is hilarious, I'm hoping for AIDS...

So meanwhile I got home. I was sitting on the bus for about 5 minutes when an elderly lady, mid-60’s with fake blond hair, got on the crowded bus. The seat next to me was free but my suicase stood in the leg room, so she started tugging at MY property, telling me to move it. I wouldn’t know where else to put such a heavy suitcase. I mean, she could have sat down with her legs in the corridor, I do that sometimes and on a crowded bus, you have no choice, for chrissake. But no, she wanted me to stand up for the 30-minute-ride because she was as high and mighty as to demand flawless seating. Forced to climb over the seat because she wouldn’t move out of the way either, I broke my expensive eggs I was looking forward to. Everything in my bagpack (sketchbook and the artwork inside, fabric pencil case only available in Israel, the sleeve of my laptop) is now covered in sticky goo. Because that fucking disrespectful piece of shit elderly piece of social garbage, useless and short-lived due to age, dogsucking whoreslut wouldn’t accept a seat with little legroom. I hope she dies and savors every second of it. I mean, wtf?? Old people who’s future is already part of the past, should make room for the young who still have a future ahead of them! Why are priorities and special services given to the old and the handycapped aka the useless who do shit in return?? WTF??? It wasn’t even a priority seat btw, and even so, that one stupid grandma who turned out to have a shorter travel than me, could have sat down next to me. So I had to stand, with my heavy luggage. I really hope she dies and I wanna watch her agonize.
When I got home from this injustice (none of the 100 other passengers bothered to take my defence btw) I broke cupboards, cages, the remaining 4 eggs, possibly the dog’s rib, well, it’s all that old bitches fault. My day was already fucked up but if she hadn’t had me stand for no reason, on an aching foot and with heavy luggage, I could be enjoying exceptionally large and expensive eggs right now. It’s all her fault my house is a mess now. And I’m not cleaning it up. Not my fault. I wouldn’t have snapped if that whore would have let me keep my seat. I sat there first, it was mine. I pay for my ride, €342.50 per year to be exact, she is 60+ so she pays SHIT and gets a seat???? *I* pay for my ride, I have the future, I have the bad foot, I have the heavy luggage – and she gets my seat although she has no more contribution to make to the world except die??? WHAT THE FUCK????????

The noodles I was just having were disgusting. Almost as disgusting as my overweight body. They tasted like rotten bread, but hell, I was too lazy to go and cook others, that fucking old lady ruined my mood to do anything good tonight.

So I shall now proceed to tearing up and then burning my sketchbook. The egg goo is only on the rim of the pages, but that egg goo is the symbol of injustice and interrupted perfection of events, and of ruining my mood so I no longer accept both the book and my drawings inside. Same goes for my beloved Israel pencil case, the notebook sleeve, and everything else I needed/cherished/whatever. That old bitch’s disrespectful behavior got it dirty literally and symbolically so I hate it now. Oh right, the backpack I bought in Japan has egg goo in it too. So I have no backpack left. Great. I loved that one. I hope that old whore dies. Why is such garbage breathing?